Saturday, May 15, 2010


I feel like I want to die right now. You know that horse tranquilizer that Will Ferrell accidentally takes to the jugular in the movie, Old School? I want one NOW and want to be knocked out from feeling any pain, nausea, neurological symptoms. Maybe a tranquilizer that lasts 7-12 months.

The world feels like it's not real - I feel like I'm on some kind of bad trip from these meds - everything is spinning and going up and down and I don't even feel present on this earth.(Disassociation is a very common and yucky Lyme symptom). My head hurts so badly and the nausea is KILLING me. I am on anti-nausea meds (Zofran, the kind they use for chemo) but still feel like I'm going to vomit on the floor.

Everytime I close my eyes, I see white flashing lights. I cannot even sleep b/c the lights haunt me (occipital lobe in the brain gets infected by the Lyme bugs). I HATE today. I don't get how 1 week ago EXACTLY, I felt so wonderful on the IV. I was able to walk 25 minutes, stop in a few stores for window shopping, do dishes, and was pain and nausea-free. AND I could think somewhat clearly and I had almost no neurological symptoms. No vertigo, dizziness, until that night. Wow.

I feel so confused, why the ups and downs? I know this is not a linear healing process, I know the herxing makes no sense, but can someone just tell my why I have to suffer so much the last 4 days and a week ago I felt on top of the world? Can someone just tell me why it's not linear and WHY this rollercoaster has to ensue for years and torture me?

Though my brain understands what I have learned about Lyme treatment (that it is a rollercoaster of ups and downs), my emotions and my spirit don't understand. They try, but they are weeping like a little child who cannot understand. Why keep teasing me with functional or even good days, weeks, months, and then take it all away and push me back into full disabled mode? WHY??????????! I wish someone could explain this all to much as I know there is no answer.

I cannot see out of my dark tunnel today. This is when it's essential I turn to friends and healers to keep me seeing the light at the end of this dark tunnel.

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